Right now I am going through a difficult time. Not only is Mom going downhill quickly with the Alzheimer's, she has now developed what may be CHF. Awaiting echo results. Her tiny legs are now swollen and the right leg hurts her. She seems more short of breath on walking and has to rest a while when walking. This is a very new symptom as she walks, and walks and walks constantly. She could never stay still for very long. I tend to be the exact same way. It is hard to know that her passing may be in the near future. I had to go over some details in our preplanned funeral for Mom with the FH. I did it without any emotion - detached. Yet, at other times I am falling apart. People say how fortunate I am to have my Mother for 64 years, Mom is now 96. However, your mother is your mother no matter what her age may be when she goes on to be with the Lord I know I will have to deal with abandonment issues. No more Mom or Dad to run home to when I have skinned my knee, or bigger things as I grow older. I do hope I can grow old as my Mom did. She faced so many difficult things as a widow for 26 years, with little income, couldn't drive, low vision due to macular degeneration, hard of hearing, etc. She is so very strong. If the only thing, and there are many, that my Mother has taught me by example is that "you never give up." She is living testimony to that. I am losing my Mommy and it hurts so badly. She is the only family left for me as far as my family and roots. I will be an orphan. Thank God that He has given me a wonderful loving and supportive husband - even if we do get on each other's nerves and have our arguments. He will always be there for me and I for him. I have taken up keyboard lessons. I use to play the organ and accordion many moons ago and I could smack myself for ever giving up playing. So now, I have started back with the basics of finger position and theory. I only had one lesson and already I am being hard on myself. Typical. I am also still involved in our Sign worship team at church and we are learning the song - "I Can Only Imagine". It is a fast song even with living out some words as there is just no time to sign every word. It is a challenge for me and I get discouraged with myself very quickly. I am so glad that God sees me through the Blood of Jesus and I am only righteous in Him and not accepted only by my behavior. Thank you Jesus for taking the rap for me. You didn't deserve it, and I did. Well, gotta practice the keyboard, signing and maybe sit in front of tv for a little while and then off to bed for early morning rise and off to work. For some reason I have been having trouble sleeping and still up around 2 am. I sure hope I can sleep tonight. I am not mulling over my Mom or other things consciously; but, I am sure it is at the root of not sleeping. My meds, I am sure are helping, but not as they did a while back. Meds can stabilize my mood and swings, but meds can't give you peace - only the Lord can - because God is peace. Goodnight Gail, Goodnight any readers.